You ever find yourself in the midst of mental/emotional turmoil and not know how you got there? Find yourself perseverating on intense thoughts or feelings beyond your control? Yeah.....me either. Ok, just kidding. Of COURSE, my answer is "yessssss indeed!" It's not new for me, really. I have always been a perseverator, over-thinker, introspection extraordinaire---call it what you want; just means my brain won't SHUT UP or shut down, sometimes. Lately, though, I have found my brain doing more of a quiet, constant churning. Not the usual shouting at me--where I must really bite into the thoughts that provoke me and conquer them. Nope, my thoughts are playing hard to get with me, and I would like to know why. Here are some theories I have come up with...(they aren't really worked out, so bear with the rough draft nature). It could just be the usual, run-of-the-mill stress that plagues my every breathing second--awake or asleep. Perhaps, it is the continual evolution of Olivia's condition? I find it interesting to be living out in real-time what I have only read about in regard to Dravet. Just like almost anything, when it really goes down in life, it isn't quite the same/not how you thought it would be when you imagined it or read about it. You can read all about a roller coaster and what it's like, but until you actually get ON one, you don't exactly know how it feels.
I have never had a kid before. I barely knew any children at all, frankly. I hardly knew anyone with special needs in my past life. I have never known a cherub-of-a-person like Olivia. I have never had to KEEP someone ALIVE. Ever. Let alone, constantly. I don't think I have this processed, yet. I don't know how to process it any faster. I don't think I or anyone actually can. In the same way I can't levitate myself to...well anywhere...I can't levitate my psyche to a more "processed" place just because I wish it to be so.
It's better. I'm better. Things are certainly BETTER. No joke. When I look back to the spring of 2010---geez louise!! Life is on-another-planet better. But it's all still weird and uncharted. It's unnerving.
Have you ever worn a pair of MBT shoes? Or worked out on one of those exercise balls cut in half thingys? I feel like that all the time. Always looking for my balance, some moments more off than others.
I have no idea what this blog post is really trying to say. I just know I have things swirling in my brain that I can't quite make out, yet. Like when you are hungry but don't know what for---but you know it's something specific.
If I figure it out, I will let you know.
Love--H
