Gosh, I want so badly to drive to your house, to make that walk up the sidewalk and let Olivia ring the doorbell like she always loved to do. To see your grinning face as you open the door and tell us hello, come in. To watch as you and Olivia embrace in such a joyous and loving hug, then I get to hug your neck and kiss your cheek. Olivia immediately does as she always does, takes off her shoes and puts them in the spot by the door and quickly chases phoebe in an attempt to hug her. Phoebe is too excited and a little scared, haha, so we simultaneously try to calm them both down. She would then ask you to turn on Super Why as she secures her spot sitting at her little table. I love that you had a table there just for her.
Gosh, I want to feel that safety and familiarity. Nothing is actually perfect there and yet everything is as it should be. Without you, nothing is quite right anymore.
I search endlessly and futilely for that place of comfort. It is simply gone. Just...gone.
Why can't I find something comparable, something to fill the gap? Why won't this emptiness fill in and why won't this pain begin to heal?
Do I need to stay near to the place of familiarity or do I move away? I still feel so lost, so confused about how to really move forward without you.
Remember the good times, the bad times, the wisdom, the humor, the imperfections, the goodness, the ultimate gift of unconditional love and acceptance--the truest, most perfect act you ever did as a mother. But, none of it stops the pain. None of it changes the fact that you are simply gone. Just...gone. And, part of me is gone, too.
