Life at this moment is....better. Hope has been a fleeting thing for me lately---If I am to be perfectly honest with you. And, that is what I aim to do here....be honest with you. I don't aim to list all the details of my life in full, but I do wish to go beyond the surface of structures such as Facebook (which I love, by the way). I want to share things here in this blog that sometimes might be uncomfortable for you or for me, but I do so with purpose not for exhibitionism. Not in the least. I am actually quite private, especially concerning matters of the heart and soul, and I respect the fact that others are as well. However, this is an incredible journey I am on. There are others on very, very similar journeys. I believe with all my heart that there is value in the details of my story, sometimes the greatest value is in the hardest part to share. That being said, it is hard to admit, but nonetheless true that HOPE has been a fickle little friend to me as of late.
I suppose you might think faced with a serious or tramatic thing in your life that you must at least never lose hope. You can do a lot of things, just don't lose your hope. That's not how it goes for me. I lose it on a regular basis. In fact, sometimes I wander into the kitchen to see if I left it in there. Ok, now I'm kidding. But, seriously, in the moments where despair has replaced hope, I do find myself wandering about the house more, searching for something. Perhaps subconsciously I am searching for my hope. Sometimes, I go to a store to look for the hope. That used to work better when I was younger, but it doesn't work as well these days. The budget doesn't really allow for it. So, sometimes, the store is simply the grocery store and the items are simply the basic grocery list. And, the end result is the satisfaction of having accomplished a necessary task---necessary to live and keep my child alive, so that is worth feeling good about. Sometimes, I go searching for the hope at a doctor's office. Eventually, though, I do find it. I am relying on the professionals to help me figure out how to sustain it.
All I have to do is look in her face, though, to find my happiness....to find my purpose. That's the easy part. And the will to keep going? That never leaves either.
May this day find you full of hope, and if it doesn't.....check the kitchen, maybe you will find your grocery list.
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